As a mental health professional, one of the things I talk with people about most often is the relationship they have with themselves. I’ve noticed that most people either have little to no connection to their deeper selves. This, of course, is most often unintentional. As we get busy with life, we forget we also experience its impact. We withstand the consequences of our lives and choices. Often, we don't take stock of the impact of our experiences for a multitude of obvious reasons (not enough time, energy, etc.).
Other people are much more intentional. They dive into self-reflection, journal, go to therapy, and invest in self-development books. But, what if there are less obvious reasons that we struggle to look inward?
After many years working as a mental health professional, I have one major theory.
One of the things that fascinates me most about psychology is how we make meaning of ourselves and our experiences. It’s one of the reasons why I first got very interested into Carl Jung and shadow work. Shadow work is about looking past what our conscious selves know in the hopes of developing a deeper relationship with the unconscious self. In that connection we can experience deep self-acceptance. We can only truly accept ourselves when we accept all of the Self.
Shadow work often means tapping into things we don't like about ourselves. For some, that can look like realizing unlikeable qualities. For others, it illuminates hidden pain and trauma. On a brighter note, it can also reveal the good things we have trouble accepting about ourselves.
Think about previous experiences of harm that you’ve suffered. You likely have had negative feedback from parental figures or teachers, and a whole range of other experiences (in both platonic and social relationships) that hold deep meaning. There is pain there. You can carry a lot of psychological "stuff" without ever acknowledging it. There is a little part of us that has an inclination that there could be pain there. We just don’t want to look. Looking means facing, and feeling, that pain.
This is one of the reasons why we don’t often ask ourselves difficult questions.
"Why am I making this choice over the other?"
"Why do I stay with this partner who I know isn’t the best for me?"
"What is contributing to my anxiety about work and performance?"
"Where is this all coming from?!"
These are all complex questions. And most of us experience some of them often, or at different times throughout our lives. They are normal parts of the human experience. We keep ourselves from asking these questions because we don’t want the hard answers. Well, that’s a little reductive to say. It’s not that we don’t want the answers, but more so that we’re afraid of what the answers may cost us. We fear the pain and hurt that comes with those hard questions. We also face confusion about what to do next.
As you are reading this post today, my question to you is this: what will you have the courage to ask of yourself today? And what will you do with the answer?
Loved this piece. Learning about the "the good part" of Shadow Work AKA The Golden Shadow really makes exploring shadow work more intriguing to me. I initially thought Shadow Work was just uncovering the dark shit. Thanks for being you!