Self-abandonment Isn't Selflessness
And reflections on learning to actually prioritize yourself
Many of the things in life that plague us are relational in nature. Trouble at work? How often is a peer or a difficult boss at the helm? Difficulty at home? What relationship issues with your spouse or partner have you been dealing with or avoiding? Having a rough day in general? Chances are someone did something that really set you off.
We are highly relational creatures. We seek, and at other times avoid, connection. We desire intimacy and avoid vulnerability. So much of our lives is mired in the choices we make about relating. Relationships are a big part of our lives, and as such, figuring out how to look after ourselves while loving and caring for another, is infinitely complex. At times, we make choices that might look like self-abandonment or self-sabotage. We then feel compelled to snap back to the self and into isolation. What we first see as a noble acquiescing of our own needs then becomes a character flaw we must save ourselves from and fix.
Can we actually “abandon” ourselves? What does it mean to choose yourself? There is so much complexity and nuance in these questions…and their answers.
Self-abandonment is often thought of suppressing, or ignoring, your own wants, needs, and desires. We usually think about this in the context of intimate relationships, naturally, as that’s when we’re most often tasked with the practical reality of our needs coming up against someone else’s. Perhaps we’re deluding ourselves into thinking that when we sacrifice to keep a partner happy that we are not also choosing ourselves.
What if it weren’t possible to abandon yourself at all?
Terms like self-abandonment are (somewhat) helpful because they attempt to give us language about complicated parts of our experience. What is difficult and complex internally becomes more easily explained and understood when you have the language to describe it. But as is often the case, as we gain convenience and efficiency in language we risk depth and meaning.
Self-abandonment often comes up in conversations around dependency in relationships. That is, we see people (and maybe we are the people themselves!) that seemingly give up on their own needs and desires to please the other and maintain a relationship. We “abandon” ourselves to keep meaningful people close to us happy and engaged. But when we use the terminology of self-abandonment we’re often forgetting one important psychological truth:
We don’t do anything unless it serves us.
With the exception of extreme cases, as in those of trauma and abuse, we don’t ever actually abandon our own needs. We sacrifice one need in favor of another. In a relationship, we might compromise too much or too often to help keep a partner happy. We don’t do this in spite of ourselves, we do it because of ourselves. We make these sacrifices, at times, because we also feel the relationship is that important to us. We sacrifice because we think the relationship is worth it. Sometimes it is. At other times, especially when sacrifices mount in their cost to us, the relationship may suddenly feel unworthy. Then we have to challenge ourselves to look deeper to find what need requires our attention the most. We can’t risk self-destruction for the sake of a relationship. No one deserves that. None of us is made better when we shrink ourselves into oblivion for the sake of keeping a relationship that feels meaningful to us. Healthy relationships are sustainable and reciprocal. Both parties mostly get their needs met, most of the time.
In the moments we offer up, and concede, too much we lose access to our most basic relational needs: respect and a shared duty of care.
This is when we truly lose ourselves and have a hard time recognizing our own face in the mirror when the light catches our eyes.
“What happened to you? Where did you go? Who is this stranger staring back at me?”
It’s often this heartbreaking moment we realize that we are the only person who can truly be responsible for our own well-being. We are the only ones who can recognize the depths of our desires and needs. We, ourselves, are the only ones who understand the depth of sacrifices made to stay in connection. And we, are the only ones who can decide if it’s worth it.
“How can I continue to choose myself and choose you at the same time?”
If there was a simple answer to that question, many people like me would be out of a job. The answer manifests differently within each person. What one person is willing to give up in compromise another wholly rejects and sees it as an entirely unreasonable course of action.
The most important thing is that we even manage to ask ourselves the question.
Navigating our needs alongside others is not easy. Relationships are complex and ever-changing. We must continually weigh whether or not what’s happening in a relationships feels respectful, good, and fulfilling.
Ultimately, we must be steadfast in asking ourselves if we’re giving up too much of one thing, to meet some deeper need, and even if we’re able to accurately assess that deeper need given our present state of mind. Complex.
Often, we’ll need someone else alongside us to help sort out the mess from the meaning. But starting with the question is often the first step of many towards self-respect and balance.