How Shadow Work Helped Me Accept My Sensitivity
It's never easy to peek behind the curtain, but we're better for doing so
Hello and welcome to my newsletter! I’m Jor-El and I’m a therapist and author of The Shadow Work Workbook and Self-Care for Black Men. I’m here to share my perspectives on life, mental health, and self-compassion. Thanks for being here!
Before I even knew what shadow work was, I was interested in the idea of learning about the deepest parts of myself.
A little background
I was born in the southeastern United States, in a distinctively Southern small town. I still automatically wince when someone asks me to name it, not because I’m ashamed of it, but mostly because most people have never heard of it. I think, “what’s the point?” Every now and then someone will say something like, “Oh yeah, my great aunt used to live there!” which I always find pretty funny.
The south tends to be pretty conservative and with that, tends to hold to pretty strict gender roles and norms. For me, that meant my sensitivity as a young Black boy was unfavorable to most. For as long as I can remember I’ve been deeply moved by the arts. Music, dance, film and writing connect with me in ways that everyday conversations just can’t. Appreciation for that depth is largely, in part, what propelled me to become a therapist.
The intersection of sensitivity and gender
While I knew that sensitivity would be an asset in the world of mental health, especially from a conventionally masculine and dark-skinned face like mine, I still see messages everyday of how unusual this kind of perspective is. While some women are more motivated than ever to embrace the “soft life,” a man admitting to being soft and sensitive is met with scandal and confusion. For many of us, particularly Black men, “soft” is a slur hurled against our masculinity and sense of self (which I also explore in my book Self-Care for Black Men).
Why would any man want to be soft?
It’s not that men aren’t sensitive creatures, although many people will debate this fact until they are red in the face. More so, it is rare that men are given the permission to be their full emotional selves. In turn, we don’t learn the skills necessary to be vulnerable with others in sharing these parts of ourselves. In my experience as a therapist, its often close intimate relationships that force that kind of exposure. But, being in touch with the tender parts of yourself (irrespective of your gender) is deep work that takes time. Not all relationships make it through those taxing periods. For all of us, embracing our sensitivity starts with daring to have a relationship with one’s self - which many men struggle with.
My vulnerability and sensitivity, for better and for worse, didn’t really offer me the option to hide from myself. I have always felt deeply and am regularly moved by good storytelling and emotional depth. When I was younger I didn’t quite have the language and skills to express that, which was difficult. Now armed with more verbal acuity, I can help others articulate their often-hidden parts with more clarity and ease. This is what I love most about being a therapist - I’m “at home” sitting in the depth of our deepest, most meaningful truths. However, not everyone rocks with that.
Negative feedback from peers, and family members (while mostly benign), reinforced the idea for me that this sensitivity wasn’t to be shared, and certainly generally unappreciated by others.
And I think this is, in part, what propels me to write.
As I started to grow and get out of the environments of my early life, I learned more about psychology. Jung’s theories of Self and shadow work offered me a structure and foundation to examine my self more deeply. I came to understand the internalized shame of my sensitivity, and grew to accept it as a key part of my personality and engagement with the world. This meant coming to terms with my inner critic, learning to challenge it, and embracing parts of me that I’d long been told weren’t appropriate or desirable.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. - ee cummings
Every so often I’m reminded of this ee cummings quote when I think about my own journey of self-acceptance. It also reminds me of Jung’s hope for us - to feel at peace and at home within our own psyche as we navigate external forces that challenge that comfort. It’s the fundamental premise that propelled me to publish a practical guide like The Shadow Work Workbook.
Hopefully, this post inspires you to look inward with a little more self-compassion and acceptance too.
And if you’d like to have a little help on your own journey, The Shadow Work Workbook is now available wherever books are sold.
Beautiful post as always! I’m taking a 4-week tarot and shadow work course that starts next week. Excited to explore this topic more 🫶🏽