One of the topics that I cover widely in my work is masculinity. What it means, and what it doesn’t, has always been a profound question for me. This is largely, in part, as from a young age I was acutely aware of the ways in which I didn’t perform masculinity in ways that were expected from me. Being a quiet, sensitive, reader who more closely identified with Belle than the Beast was emblematic of that.
I was talking with a friend recently about this battle of evolving consciousness and what it means to be a man in 2024. What does masculinity look like now? Admittedly, in the midst of the conversation we sometimes found ourselves using reductive language, falling into old tropes, despite living in deep acknowledgement of the ways in which we both diverge from social expectations in our own unique ways.
Part of this exploration was not only a reflection on ourselves, but also what it’s like to be connected to other men who may not be as far along on their journeys. We talked about what it means to witness someone else being in an earlier stage of reimagining masculinity. We discussed what it means to explore gender for yourself and removing some of the baggage we’ve inherited from both the men, and women, in our lives.
It’s one of the reasons why I wrote about redefining masculinity in Self-Care for Black Men. All men are forced to reckon with mainstream discussions of how safe, or how unsafe, people feel in our presence. View the viral TikTok trend on Bear vs. Man for more insights there.
I think every person has to take time understand what manhood, and masculinity, is for them. I don’t think there’s any one version that applies to everyone and that’s OK. At the same time, we have to recognize the reality of harm perpetuated by men collectively and stop being complicit in our behaviors and language. We have to stop enforcing the reductive culture of the man-box which puts men at greater risk for death by suicide. We have to work to ensure that women and queer folks feel safe in our presence no matter how we ourselves identify.
The question isn’t “am I complicit in a harmful for of masculinity?” But more so, “In what ways am I complicit, and what am I willing to do about that?”
The truth is redefining masculinity is challenging. It is deeply uncomfortable work. For so many of us, redefining masculinity also means coming face to face with pains we’ve suffered because of it…alongside the gift and privileges its afforded (some of) us.
Without intentionality, we are doomed to simply perpetuate the same standards of masculinity that have subjected us to harm ourselves. From dealing with bullies, emotionally detached fathers, and untreated trauma and mental health issues, we (men) have to take redefining masculinity seriously in order to live fuller, healthier and more fulfilling lives.