Look at the Flowers

Reflections on beauty & being loved on

Hello and welcome to my newsletter! I’m Jor-El and I’m a therapist and author of The Shadow Work Workbook and Self-Care for Black Men. I’m here to share my perspectives on life, mental health, and self-compassion. Thanks for being here!

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A few weeks ago I wrote about the beauty and meaning of the cherry blossoms in I Heard the Cherry Blossoms Speak. If you’re interested in nature and mindfulness you’ll appreciate that one. Go read it and drop in a comment to let me know what you think.

With that, it should come as no surprise that I have a growing affinity for flowers. They weren’t always my favorite. When I was younger, the only real interaction I had with flowers was around Mother’s Day and a boutonniere/corsage for prom. I always found them overpriced and a silly investment that would turn to rot in a matter of days.

Somehow my opinion changed.

After I published The Shadow Work Workbook I bought myself a very nice (well over $100) bouquet to celebrate. It helped me hold on to the beauty of the moment of becoming a published author a bit longer. Soon I found myself smiling while looking at the bouquet every day. I took brief moments throughout the day to appreciate its beauty. It reminded me of the life-changing accomplishment of writing a book.

Then I started to get smaller bouquets every so often to bring extra beauty to my home. As it turns out, flowers do help brighten a home!

I’m not alone in this realization. Research out of Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School by way of researcher Nancy Etcoff, Ph.D found that flowers in the home provide a positive impact on mood. Their study found that flowers in the home have three key benefits:

1. They generate feelings of compassion and kindness toward others

2. They helped participants feel more positive emotions on a daily basis

3. They helped carry these positive influences into the workplace as well

Not only do flowers brighten a home, but they also brighten the people within.

Forcing Myself to Receive My Flowers

I was recently at a friend’s wedding (I officiated!) and it was a lovely experience all around. Aside from all the festivities one of the things that stood out to me most was having the opportunity to reconnect with old friends. It was great to see how people have (and have not) changed over the years. One conversation brought me to tears.

One friend, who I hadn’t seen for many years, took a minute to tell me how much he appreciated my writing and what I put out in the world. Accepting compliments is something that I’ve worked on for a while now. As I started to squirm, with tears welling in my eyes, he insisted that he was going to give me my flowers. I did my best to receive them.

A lot of the work I do is solitary - writing certainly is. I never know exactly how my work is reaching people and what their take on it is. This was one of those moments where I got to fully appreciate someone’s honest and enthusiastic reaction to my work. Instead of convincing myself that this was some weird fluke, I internalized it. I memorialized this conversation (and other conversations I had of a similar flavor) in my journal so that I can remember and revisit them from time to time.

As harsh as we can be on ourselves, we have to do better at relishing positive comments when we get them. We have to look at, and hold, our flowers when we have them.

Flowers, both literal and metaphorical, make our lives better. They brighten your day and help bring in a bit of extra positivity, and who wouldn’t benefit from that?

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Questions for reflection:

• Do you receive compliments well or reject them? What do you think stands in the way of believing someone else’s positive take on who you are or something you’ve done?

• How often do you give out sincere compliments? What helps you feel comfortable giving other people their flowers?

• Action item: Let this post inspire you! Make it a point this week to send a friend a text, email, card (or literal flowers) to tell them how you feel about them or something pleasant they’ve done. Lean into the vulnerability and see what happens.

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If you like my writing and approach to mental health, then you’ll probably enjoy my books. The Shadow Work Workbook: Self-Care Exercises for Healing Your Trauma and Exploring Your Hidden Self and Self-Care for Black Men: 100 Ways to Heal and Liberate are both available at a bookstore near you. You can also purchase a copy of both at the link below.