Welcome to the latest edition of Coffee & Contemplation. Today, I’m sharing about a topic that’s long been a personal and professional interest of mine, gender.
Growing up as a sensitive boy I understood that the way I felt, and expressed myself emotionally, wasn’t the norm. This early introduction into gender limits, and differences, was baffling. Understanding how people navigate the rules of gender became critical for me. This was for my own psychological safety. I also needed an intellectual understanding of what the fuss was all about.
“Boys are supposed to do what?”
“Girls can’t do what now?”
“Why not?!”
“That’s weird.”
Gender differences are arbitrary. Science shows us that differences between the sexes are grossly overestimated. And yet, gender essentialism still reigns supreme.
We also live in a time where gender variance is moralized, politicized and criminalized.
My work as a man is always under construction. As I find my way in challenging my assumptions about who I am as a man, I have to navigate how the world sees me (especially as a dark-skinned person). I often have conversations with friends and colleagues about what masculinity is, and how it’s changing. This was the subject of a piece in AskMen that I shared some thoughts on.
I often talk about gender roles and expectations with clients too.
Coming out of one of those conversations, the phrase “I’m not a human being, I’m a man” kept repeating in my head. It is the simplest distillation of how we are taught to exist with respect to masculinity.
Men are taught that in order to be men, we must distance ourselves from what it means to be human.
Feeling is human. Connection is human. Both of which are frowned upon, or minimized, in old school masculinity. This school of thought positions men as humanoid robots devoid of feeling. Men are meant to protect others, control with dominion and provide for women and children. That’s it.
Well, I for one, think that we all deserve better.
While no man I’ve ever talked to about masculinity has ever uttered those exact words, the ideas boom loud and clear. To be a “man” means to live in a way that minimizes all things vulnerable and emotional. To be a “man” means to feel responsible for the experiences of others, while completely ignoring your own basic human needs. Being a “man” means that you shouldn’t seek validation, reassurance or emotional safety.
You shouldn’t need these things because men aren’t human beings…we are men.
And yet, men die by suicide at a rate 2-4x greater than women.
Thankfully, the conversation around masculinity continues to change. I owe myself the right to show up with all the tenderness and sensitivity that feels natural to me. Hopefully, that helps give you and the men in your life more permission to perform being a man less, and just focus on being as authentically human as possible. I think we’d all be much better for it.
I’m a human being, who happens to be a man.
Mannnnn we have so much in common. Thank you for this